Living with bipolar the realities for myself

[embleton]

Living with bipolar isn't a list of symptoms from the DSM; it's the realities of chaos in daily life that defines one's environment for me. Living in chaos is tiring, stressful and very much chaotic to the point of untidiness in the home, self-care and the complete confusion that overwhelms the consciousness.

The side effects of medication, when psychiatrists and mental health nurses attempt to persuade their patients into stating there are none is overwhelming, to say the least. But we still see lists of symptoms ever-present on the internet that attempt to explain what living with bipolar is really like, without really explaining anything to anyone in reality. And we still see lists of drugs that take away the willingness to live our daily lives to the full, for they numb the very realities of existence.

Sleep is not given but taken from us in an ever ending uneven circle that evades our lives, it is not from morning to evening, but chaotic cycles of an hour or two of sleep at random times of the day or night. Thoughts are uneven with symptoms not explained in a DSM but those that run around our heads quickly that need to be slowed to a pace acceptable to the general public and our health care providers, but really we do not wish our thoughts blocked to a crawl so that we cannot think.

Eating regularly isn't something that comes naturally, it is something taken away from those living with bipolar. Cooking is difficult and certainly, it isn't to the point that three regular meals at set times of the day for nutrition are taken for living healthily. But in our lives we take nutrition at points when we are free to the extent that hungriness comes easy and overstuffing ourselves at times is also something of a requirement at times.

From the dryness in my mouth, the dribbles on my clothes, my teeth grind together until they break and fallout. My throat feels like it's going to break apart from every invading pill and saliva that drips haphazardly from my chin. My mouth quavers from the side effects of drugs that evades my body, and to all this is called management of the condition known as bipolar.

At our manic extremes, our consciousness is invaded with thoughts from others, we natter to an endless point of restlessness and annoy those around us requiring apologies at a later stage to maintain relationships, keep our friends and our glue to the very realities of a happy life. At the other extremes we cry, quietly slow our thoughts to the point we do not get out of bed for hours and even possibly days.

Our physical health suffers, for it's not only the medication that destroys our health but the condition itself; leading to diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, headaches, parkinsonism's and something’s that couldn't possibly be written on the page in a civilised society in an acceptable way without disgust. The aforementioned is to do with bodily functions because of side effects of medication, but we suffer in silence without others knowing for they are ignorant of the very structures that destroy us and our lives.